Batman Vs. superman, Battle Star Vs. Enterprise D, a Halo Spartan Vs. a Tolkien Elf and my personal favorite Helen Keller Vs. Stephen Hawking (a little fucked up I admit it but I think it’s funny.) These are a few example of what men call “fantasy fights” and ladies when you’re not around this is usually what conversation among large groups of men devolve to if we don’t have a either women around or a job to do.

Usually these turn into rather heated arguments. Everyone holding on tightly to their opinion and rarely does anything actually get solved. In fact I once spent 6 hours arguing that the Voltron Force could beat the Power Rangers in a military obstacle course and my friend and I still fight about this from time to time.

I have even seen these fights lead to other fights about even more pointless things such as are Smurfs mammals or reptiles, would captain Picard eat a jelly doughnut? What if the doughnut wasn’t powdered? (That actually was me.) Even that started a debate about whether there was any such thing as a non-powdered jelly doughnut.

So why do men spend hours sitting around arguing such things as what kind motorcycle Zorro would drive given the option, or would Mr. Belvidere be able to take on a cyborg-zombie Abe Lincoln?

We do it for 3 reasons, 1. Men like to talk just as much as anyone else, 2. It’s a minor show of dominance, 3. It takes our minds off of important matters.

Let’s explore the first reason first. Men like to talk after all if we aren’t talking then we aren’t entertaining we aren’t involved in a task, we aren’t working out a problem but more importantly we aren’t really talking about our feelings. I know more than one guy that would rather fist fight over who is going to in a fight between the ninja turtles and a troop of girl scouts than talk about how they feel about stuff and I think that’s ok and the reason I think it’s okay is because you have not seen funny until you have seen one guy tackle another guy for saying Cat Woman could out fight Sue Richards without her powers.

Now for reason 2, the plain and simple truth is men are constantly looking to lead a pack. It genetic you’re either in charge or you’re not part of the group or you’re not. And over time humanity has worked out a few ways to do this.

1. Status usually though accident of birth or position at work. I once had a man tell me I was wrong in a car accident and he was a surgeon so clearly he should know. (Make sense huh hold on tight it gets dumber.)

2. Money again something I have personally come into contact with. Once at a job site where I was not to let anyone take pictures I saw a man with a camera on property. While escorting him off property he made it very clear that he made money in a month than I did in a year. (How that matters I will never know but I told you it got dumber).

3. the reason we are here in this random ramble I have started we can’t fight. To show who was in charge we used to go into fields and club each other with sticks until everyone figured it was easier to fallow than get the tar kicked out of them anymore but now we can’t do that we need to be soft and cuddly or women won’t touch our naughty places. So instead of beating on each other physically we just beat each other mentally its genius you see it leave no burses no scars no marks of any kind and sense we normally have stupid arguments away from the ears of women. They are none the wiser right? So I am the master because I verbally pounded you into agreeing the Nero could out drink Hulk Hogan makes sense to me.

And now to reason 3, I once had a woman ask me “you guys are spending all this time on this why don’t you work on something like global warming or something?” I don’t know about all of you, but my day has about we will conservatively call it 15 to 20 decisions an hour some important, most no so much but the point is that every now and again we need a damn break something pointless and useless. At the end of the day if one of the lizard men from the twilight zone could take the lizard man from Star Trek and deep down no one really cares. It is a pointless mental exercise that has a very important task of getting our mind off of how to handle our boss, our car, our money, and our women.

I would like to end this with a very scary fact. I didn’t not make up a single example of an argument this entire entry every debate every fight I have either been in or have seen. So I encourage you all go out and get in the thick of it with someone over nothing it’s good for the soul.

and to all you women who are going to comment that your husband, brother, close friend, eunuch, father or anoy other male you wish to mention have these arguments regualry around it the answer is simple. they see you as one of the guys. or you are one of the rare women that joins in these mental sparing matches. or you have the man doesnt really care if you want to play with his love spots anymore.